I might be drunk enough to make out with you. You don't want to miss this unique opportunity.
your idea of a balenced meal is a microwave frozen burrito, a cup of ramen noodles, and a can of budlight. honestly tell me how your resolution is to lose weight,
Washing the last semen-stained shirt you have really solidifies a breakup. It just got real.
I accidentally requested the ides of march off instead of st patricks day. Is this an omen? will alcohol be my brutus?
he was sobbing,drinking his beer, all while confessing his love for her. awkward was an understatement...
One reason I don't come to Portland. I saw 8 guys I have had sex with last night. At the same party.
By 8 I mean 9.
And by 9 I mean 10.
They're like penises that have been put in a blender.
Found your pants in the mailbox
What were my pants doing in the mailbox?
I don't know but there's postage on them
Recent Google searches: "babu kangarooz"... "why 2 tacos bell" and "is dinosaur in real life"
You can't call dibs 8 years later.
He just showed up to brunch with one shoe and only the battery from his phone.
He tried to tip me with his police badge...
and you didn't accept WHY?!
They have a house rule that you get a composite for every 5 guys you sleep with. Where should I hang my new one?
Back at condo with chick. What is the condom situation urgent response needed
It's technically 2016 but since I haven't gone to bed I'm still counting it as 2015, so I'm gonna drink all the alcohol in my house so tomorrow I can become the better version of myself that I'll be for 5 minutes.
Randomize
