We almost died tonight..we almost die every night. but tonight was the closest by far
He said he wouldn't use a condom because he didn't want to kill anymore trees.
There were so few words spoken that I'm not sure if it was make-up or break-up sex.
please hold off on going into labor, i might need you to take me to the free clinic
I woke up to a 3rd person picture of my own dick sent from a 1-800 number..
Oh I will totally be your beard, but on one condition I get to watch you and your boy friend have sex.
I just woke up to myself peeing the bed. Happy hump day! I'll never get married.
An old man just slapped my ass and handed me five dollars while I was filling chips at subway. I feel violated, but that was the easiest five dollars I've ever made.
After we banged he volunteered to ducksit while I went to work. I think that's true love.
I ditched my one night stand in the hotel lobby. How did he add me on Snapchat?
Can you come unlock the door? I just peed myself on the porch.
I keep getting congratulated for drinking 2 six packs of mikes hard and winning the Olympic marathon and I don't remember this shit and now my throat is on fire
idk i was trying to watch Fuller House and you got up out of a dead sleep, just in your boxers, said "no more Dave Coulier" and walked out to the living room and unplugged the router
I rocked his world in the back of my car in an overly-lit, heavily trafficked parking lot. Middle age is amazing!
He sided with his father, so I slashed his tires. I’d say that’s a fair trade.
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