I just saw a commercial that said "call your doctor if erections last more than 4 hours". I said "disgusting" and my mom said "I know, i hate when that happens." Get me out of here.
so i decided not to tell her that her fiance is cheating since i already bought the bridesmaid dess
I'm still with the girl from last night. remember to call me conrad and that i work for PETA
and after i failed the breathalyzer i said to the cop "i've never been very good at tests"....
Please tell me there is not a bookmark on your browser with the title "Christmas Porn"
I am going to buy some m-80's and keep a bucket of them in the bathroom. That way I can just depth charge the toilet before each time I use it. Lets see how those snakes like cheap Chinese explosives
I've never had someone so bad at kissing. It was like he was trying to block my airway with his tongue and he succeeded...
Dude, half of south Mississippi has seen my taint. I'm not worried.
Current dream situation- Gordon Ramsey is my Uber driver and he's hauling around a backseat filled with chocolate covered açai berries. I'm good for eternity.
she walked up to me at the bar, kissed me, andthen declared "I HAVEN'T SEEN YOU OR YOUR PENIS SINCE 2011."
I swear, I make more use of my creative writing major with sexting than I do with anything else
We just FaceTimed and I put an Oreo in my vagina for him. Now he has to fly across the globe for me.
THERE ARE NO EMOJIS TO SHOW MY SEXUAL FRUSTRATION
I mean, if I asked you, would you cum on cotton candy for me?
Is that strawberry winking at me??
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