My parents took my cat for a ride in the car. Second weekend in a row. They think its fun. Dear God
I threw up so much beer last night that my puke had a nice head on it.
I wonder sometimes what your vagina thinks about you.
my dad is going to jail this weekend
where are we going to get our weed from?
Gave a homeless guy 3 bucks earlier. Just saw him at the bar. He bought one beer and left. Happy to see my 3 dollars was well spent
Granted I did fall into a pond wearing your dress, but I did save a frog in the process so I think it was worth it.
Went to the wedding reception, and he left with ALL of the brides maids phone numbers. I don't know how he does it either.
When a chinchilla decides to sit on your face while you're getting head from its owner, you bond.
Drunk me obviously wants to fuck up my life
It's like I have an arch nemesis, and it's me
Successfully put eye drops in while driving with my glasses on. Stoner level: expert
I threw up in bed last night and tried cleaning it with oldspice and baby powder
My diet has been 80% Fun Dip this week, soooo, no. Not good.
I hope Trump leaves Planned Parenthood alone for at least another month. The week got away from me. #whorelando
Swear on my life the dude next to us just ordered a pizza and I will fight to the death for a slice
He's so drunk that he's ignoring me and just doing what my cat does.
Oh god he's trying to eat cat food... I don't know if I should stop him or continue laughing....
Randomize
