I just watched a guy get turned down by a prostitute
Eric just called. Says he's trapped in a cul de sac because the road disappeared. Wants me to tell him what street has the bushes that whisper sweet nothings into you ear and the wobbling purple pokemon. Oh, and a "bigger and better" penis is growing out of his belly button. He took shrooms by the way.
There's a technique?! I just slide my tongue around
at least franzia made me throw up pretty colors.
I'm already at the bar. It's 2 PM. Help
The dry cleaners wouldn't even take our clothes. That's how bad of a night it was.
can you please explain how one drink turns into 5 street signs with their poles lying around my room
He smells so good today
Seriously, back away from the sexual harrasment suit.
You were so drunk last night you left the bar to go buy a razor so you could go home with him
I think we might have a drinking problem when the ASU kids called us crazy
No one made them take a shot with us at the 12 hour mark. That's their bad
I feel awkward giving career advice while naked
Know we haven't talked but having an orgy party on the 20th if you're interested. If not, disregard this text.
Who is this?
Clearly you need to take sleeping pills and put your phone in the toilet
Went upstairs to make PopTarts, found the door open. Shut it. Saw a grey thing. Opened the door, found a girl sleeping outside. What the fuck happened last nigh
I climbed on the arm of the futon, flapping my hand fan frantically and hissing imprecations at the smoke detector
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