Like my Aunt Merial always says ... big dicks, big dicks.
Just ate lunch with a paperclip again. Seriously, need to invest in plastic forks.
We were drinking cognac with TAB. I felt like trailer park royalty.
Give me a heads up the next time you BBM me a voicenote of you cumming so I'll make sure not to play it while in the car with my parents. Miss you too.
yes he does come on. what guy wouldnt want his penis named after a dragon
You brought us all personal gifts you had stolen from the party and bellowed "hoes hoes hoes, clepto Santa loves you"
I woke up with a half eaten bag of lettuce in my hand, wearing my Halloween costume from last year. Damn you tequila.
YET AGAIN, my financial planning for 2013 consists MOSTLY of eating chipotle as "brain food" and drinking Heavily before the Jeopardy contestant test.
Why must everything this weekend have to do with something going into or coming out of my vagina?
Being a fine ass woman in a world full of fuckboys is the realest struggle I've ever known.
There are no winners in a lube eating competition.
I just wanted to check in on you and you replied with a selfie with your Coney Island waiter and the caption "after his shift we're dropping acid together"
It's days like today that make me happy I'm not a porn star.
how soon in a friendship can you start calling them a motherfucker
wait i saw you last night?
we found you ass naked on the couch covered in pillows.
Randomize
