it was so cute when you were pretending to have willpower
I never doubt that you might be drinking at any moment.
Oh. Thats cool. Im not dating anyone right now. Sean gave me chlamydia from some GUY he fooled around with. Im being abstinent.
why the fuck does my google maps say i'm in punjab?!?!? u think it has to do with like...outsourcing?
i lost virginity while listening to candy shop. something in my life has finally gone right.
he told me not to treat him like a child and then started peeing off the trampoline
I have an excuse to be a whore in Mexico. I'm conducting an experiment to see if small dicks are caused by the poor drinking water.
You would be my first round pick for a drinking team
you texted him "it's time for the no pants dance", please get your tubes tied.
turns out putting a tie on my unicorn onesie didn't make it acceptable "formal wear" and I found salsa in my cup holder
I miss using glorious as an adjective. I'm gonna start doing that again. And I'm gonna try to get cuntatrosphe in there some more, too.
I mean, it's just pathetic when the standard is tinder and he can't live up to it.
I woke up at 4am because the neighbors cat managed to sneak into my bed. HOW THE FUCK DOES THIS STUFF HAPPEN TO
Had a moment of weakness, slept with my ex last night
So that's why our room smells like tequila and shame.
Yeah, let's go with that. Fuck that weak moment of complete honesty I just had.
Randomize
