I thought I drunk dialed Adam last night and left him a voicemail. I just checked my phone. I realize I left a drunk voicemail with my son's teacher.
sometimes i look at this picture of your cock before i go to sleep, there's something comforting about it
So does your leg always twitch violently when someone plays with your clitoris? Or has my ten years of piano playing finally paid off?
i don't think my life will be extraordinarily more meaningful if i let him put his tongue in my butthole.
She was so wet my fingers were literally pruney when I got done with her
he said i looked like a lion with slutty lingerie on .
We should live in a duplex and just hook up with randoms for the rest of forever and be animal hoarders.
I left my pipe in my center console with a bowl packed when I took my car to the shop, and when I picked it up the weed had been smoked, but my oil change was only half price.
We bought only tequila and Twister. And you're STILL surprised you got pregnant?
Give me a minute. I'm trying to buy moonshine from a railroad worker named "Cowboy."
That guy was drunk and couldn't get it up so he just tried to scissor me.
If I get laid tonight it will 1.) Prove that the sex gods do in fact exist, and 2.) Show that I am one motherfucking badass bitch.
I was planning out a scrapbook to memorialize my affair.......and that's when it hit me, I don't make good choices. On the upside, the scrap book came out great and I am glad I saved all the gate passes from the airport.
Can't talk, ducks in the car
There. There is gum on my butt cheek IT IS NOT MINE
Randomize
