Fyi I let myself into your place, I'm wearing some of your clothes in your bed. Come take them off
I want to give my boyfriend great head for his birthday...can i practice on you?
I fucked him in the bathroom at Cedar Point. if it hadn't been for me already combining my two favorite things in the world the whole bathroom thing would have been a little disgusting.
You kept spitting the skittles out cause you said they tasted like "balls of sandpaper"
No but the chipped one is crooked now. Clearly I didn't use my hands to break my fall. I used my face
He could have been a one armed faceless howler monkey. I was so slammered that I didn't care what I was having sex with or if whatever it was... was doing it right.
Alright, deal. Settling two drug deals before noon is what I call a productive day. I'm not even gonna go to math, I've practiced enough numbers for the day.
I can't keep up with all the guys you're banging. I'm just going to start referring to them by city of origin.
I put you to bed and you would not go unless I let you sleep with the vodka
The drunk fake out is her specialty. She'll agree to come with us and two seconds later we check to make sure she's still there and we see her booking it down the hall in the opposite direction.
There's a man with a stuffed dog and a can of dog food on the L. Should I break it to him?
Best not to. Some people need their delusions.
Just accidentally flashed my junk to the lady helping me try on suits, it was cold in there, I don't think she was impressed.
you can tell a lot about a person by the quality of their porn
Dude, who WASN'T thinking of motorboating her?
And if you haven't kicked a pigeon you haven't started your morning right
Randomize
