party started at 10. cops are coming to shut us down now and its 11. i already lostmy underwear and im wearing a sparkly thong on my haed. this has to be some kinda record.
have you ever noticed that homeless people never have acne. suck it proactive
I'm watching CSI, they found semen in the woman's ear.
Guess she heard her killer coming
I knew it was different as soon as you told me you slept with him and didn't tell me about his dick
You "were" hungover, which is past tense. So that gives you no excuse not to go out tonight.
You can't just send the picture of my vagina back to me, 2 months after we broke up, and make small talk out of it.
I just face planted on a condom wrapper in my bed...thought of you.
You're so romantic.
I like literally had a visual image of his penis going into your soul
I put tequila in my salad dressing yesterday. Step the fuck up.
He's ninety percent amazing leader, brother, and teacher, and ten percent unforgivable douche. These are the men I look up to in my life.
Just realized I've gone to court three different times with papers and a joint roller in my briefcase. #lawyeroftheyear
There's no good way to say, "sorry your son saw me naked on top of your brother"
i just want to die with dignity and clean teeth, is that too much to ask?
It's not even 7 yet. She's singing you are my sunshine to the smirnoff bottle.
Uhm... Found a ziploc bag... In the freezer. Sam, thought it was lemonade. Why did you make frozen piss at my house, again?
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