im sorry i hit your dog last night,,,i didnt even see it
I dont have a dog?
WTF
Ever have the mailman look at you like youre a chronic masterbator. I have.
atleast your grandma didn't give you her USED dildo just so you wouldn't have sex.
i keep walking around campus wondering if anyone is as stoned as i am
I wish I had my own personal Asian lady that lived under my bed so that she could wax my eyebrows and give me a pedicure whenever I wanted.
the trick is not to think about where her tounge has been.
Don't pretend like we're functional. We're gonna discuss this drunkenly via text the way serious conversations should take place.
I was taking a bath while he walked in, sat down on the toilet, and said "its like a baby, I can see it crowning."
We are both federal employees and Obama gave us a four-day weekend to lie in bed. Do you know how many orgasms that will be? I knew there was a reason I voted for this guy.
Why is there a muffler in the livingroom?
First, I just want to say that I had nothing to do with it. Second, how good is your car insurance?
DRAW HIM A PICTURE OF SOME FUCING AWESOME THING. LIKE A UNICORN OR SOME SHIT. FANTASTIC.
I threw a dessert topping at a baby tonight so drink up! If you stay sober tonight I will be very disappointed in you.
The guy whose porn password I use finally renewed his membership. Lazy fucker had been slacking all summer.
He offered me my choice of the Abe Lincoln or Ben Franklin dick pic.
I’ve basically been controlling him with my tits for months now, so I can’t even imagine what would happen if I start banging him
Randomize
