made out with the bouncer to distract him from how illegitimate my fake id is.
just ran into my gynecologist at the liquor store... i think she's found the source of my problems
Please tell me the foreign boys in the kitchen this morning were yours.
Yelling drunk tank or bust at a cop, not a good idea
I just got a mental picture of us having sex in a trash can.
did we cross streams again? the only thing I remember is seeing a dick
We were all drunk for the whole flight. Steve doesn't even remember the cab ride to the airport. At 6am. Says he "blacked back in" at security.
Grilled cheese and whiskey for lunch is why i should NEVER be a housewife.
One of my friends took me out last night for a bday celebration and I just now remembered that a man blew fire balls across the bar in honor of my birthday... How drunk do you have to be to forget that?
there's fuck elsewhere to go, I'll be there with 8 lbs of bronzer on my tits
I just want to pat him on the head, bake him some cookies, and reassure him that, someday, he will get laid.
Look, as flattering as it is, I'm getting a little tired of being everyone's go-to girl for a threesome.
Tbh I would eat a grilled cheese off your dick.
Woke up. Found about 20 condoms upstairs. A hole in the couch. Bread on the floor. Going back to sleep.
we got cockblocked by his mom again...its like she has a radar on me
please stop trying to sleep with him
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