I told her i was enlisting in the air force tomorrow.....it was like the activation code to her vagina
Besides, I'm not in my 30's. I'm still allowed to drink wine from a bag.
I was just referred to as 'the margarita slut' by an 11 year old.
I'm on his itunes. He has a sex playlist. It's actually not so much a playlist as 12 Kylie Minogue songs with a big gay Whitney finish.
Todays life lesson brought to you by last nights half pitchers of cheap sangria: you'll never get the stain or the SMELL of sangria vomit out of your bedroom carpet.
Not only is it unacceptable to be bar hopping alone at 5 o'clock. It is definitely unacceptable to do so with a lobster
My drug dealer just texted me that his kid had a rough sleep and was running late to deliver the ounce to my office. Totes adorbs.
I kept calling him escargot instead of Estaban..I don't think that was the wisest choice.
Opened my purse to realize I have someone else's birth certificate. What happens to me in college?
okay when i look at this i can see it on the future news along with the headline "picture scandal involving senatorial candidate sexually harassing drunken idiot in what appears to be a pink room of pain"
Good news: I actually puked in my bathroom, the vomit from the living room was actually from someone else.
That's horrible but hilarious
I'm going to miss college.
This guy on the bus keeps leaning over and sniffing my hair.
I'm getting better, this year I only showed up drunk to 1 final.
I got really upset about missing him last night when I was demonstrating penis sizes of the people I've slept with using a tape measurer to my roommates
So i just remembered that thing i use to do with your butt because of shark week.
Randomize
