I woke up this morning with I hate myself feeling
we made margaritas with slurpies from 7-11 and beer.
i gave you head in a backbend. if that doesnt say happy birthday i dont know what does.
Why do I have flashes of a dark shed in my memory?
Because we had sex in one.
It's been two days. My balls feel like watermelons.
whatever. i almost had sex in a car with someone passed out in the back seat. phone's not my biggest worry.
i think they forgot i was still in the room... she grabbed his balls and said "i feel a fire coming on".
Some old truck driver just made me smell his beard I hope tonight turns out better
The things I do for you. Not that I'm unhappy about it. I'm just saying you should love me.
Did you sleep with him again?
No! I just led him to believe that I would if he gets me booze. Do I have that little class that you have such minimal faith in me?
I got really upset at the McDonald's worker. They should serve nuggets 24/7. Apparently 5am is breakfast for some people.
I'm such a good drunk match marker. You single, you single... Drunk friend meet single boy. BOOM illegitimate baby made!
Great news. I WILL BE FUCKING IN A BOUNCY HOUSE TOMORROW.
When dealing with embarassing medical issues, don't you want your brother's wife to be the one fishing around up your ass?
What kind of friend would I be if I didn't make you hate things you once loved?
Had a one night stand and didnt remember the guys name until he started sending me poems in the mail.
Randomize
