I hate it when you make eye contact with someone bcs you are about to make fun of them and they take it as a hint to come hit on you.
I just wanted to say sorry for trying to jack off your dog last night.
The guy drove to our house at 6am to sell us weed. Now that's customer service.
Hooked up with my first aid and cpr teacher last night. She dressed as a lifeguard and brought me back to life. Beat that.
My aunt totally just drunk dialed me when i was super stoned, it was so intense
Guy next to me is looking up how to press his own ecstasy pills. I'm going to befriend him and see where this goes
Question: rebounding with your exboyfriend over your rebound guy is healthy right?
When you get home there will be live fish in the bathtub. I did not put live fish in the bathtub.
I bought a sword. Make the proper arrangements.
He crawled outside into the bushes to throw up. He's just laying there now but he says he'll be ready to come home if we just give him five
When the cab driver starts laughing its a good indication of the standard of girls you are bringing home
I'm just gonna clean the house so my Mom won't think I'm hung over. I'll just start with the toilet
Muscle is literally tearing itself off of my shins. No I am not going on another bar crawl with you.
I'll pay?
Pick me up at 9.
But once you are just right and I work my tongue in the right spots and hot wax your balls and inner thighs. I will have you right where I want you.
Who is this?
Oops wrong number
my mom is drunk and is trying to get me to take a picture of her ass. what is life?
Randomize
