He came in the heat vent in my car. Don't ask how it happened.
My friend's 9-year-old son just informed me that for a cop station, you can't use a shotgun; you have to use a machine gun. Thank you, Grand Theft Auto, for single-handedly corrupting our youth.
I'm reducing my diet to vodka and rice cakes.
I miss Michael Jackson so much sometimes
oh, it's pms. I almost cried yesterday bc my roommates didn't seem perky enough when I got home.
The cardboard box in my backseat wasn't strong enough to keep your pee contained. Come clean my car.
She just said, "are my livers going to die?"
Mom just texted me to see if it was you who was streaking at the Mariner game... Did you accept yet another $1 bet?
the night ended with taco bell and tears
I fucking, woke up on a couch with a towel as a blanket to someones lion king ringtone.
we came into the house to find you doing shots by your self and when we told you to stop you locked yourself in the bathroom...
did I at least say anything...
you meowed at us and said you're a cat and cats drink for a living
Okay, first we buy a pirate outfit and then we get drunk, you in or you out?
Its like people have to train for months before they try and drink with us and survive...
he's drunk and referred to his shoes as foot condoms
i just woke up on the desk in his dorm with him snoring in my vagina. better than last week waking up to a different guy puking on my bare ass i guess.
Randomize
