You lit the bowl with a rolled up paper towel that you ignited on the stove.
He just sent me a dick pic with his iPod held up next to it and the words "in relation to iPod." Geekiest booty call ever.
you made a powerpoint titled 'things i've drank tonight' and emailed it to me.
you could never motorboat her...you'd have to motor-titanic her
He leaned in to kiss me and I dodged him but i fell on the floor. I guess I never got up cuz I woke up on the floor and he was in his bed
I lost my grandmas ring. Probably during the handjob.
ARE YOU GOING TO SACRIFICE YOUR LIFE FOR MCDONALDS HASHRBOWNS
just found out i can blow out the flame on the grill lighter fill my mouth with butane and ignite a fireball
antibiotics and champagne: breakfast of champions
Ur wingman ability is causing serious doubt
Ok first off its WAY easier if you are actually here
The problem with drugs is that there's none in this hotel
The problem with drugs is that showing my boobs only gets so much of them
I stopped for beer and woke up to a bird on my shoulder. I really need to stop drinking
Someone needs to lock me in a chastity belt because all my vagina does is get me into trouble. Fuck.
I was so high last night I honestly think my tears were medicinal
You weren't stupid you just made an ass of yourself. It's called a birthday party. That's code for night of regrets.
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