dude. I'm so drunk.
pete, this is bryce's mom
I can't wait to have my cock in your ass
pete, this is still bryce's mom
It looked like if robin williams had a vagina
so i was trying to be sexy and unzip his pants with my teeth. i got my lip caught in the zipper and it bled for a good 15 min, totally a mood killer.
literally every day that goes by where he doesn't talk to me makes me more determined to get him to have sex with me
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Your drunken mistake is coming over to see if she wants to buy any of our furniture. I know youre desperate, but try not to fuck her, without a condom, for a fourth time, while shes there.
I was hitting on her while she was puking ... yeah i was pretty drunk
I just used an app to identify a song that was playing in the background of a porno. May god bless your soul steve jobs.
Waking and baking in my bathtub. In a giant sweater. And no pants. This is going to be the best 420 ever.
we've coined the Sunday morning ritual of taking out our puke-filled trash cans as The Trash Of Shame
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Accidentally peeing a little on the couch in the middle of a sneeze is way different from railing a random on our waffle counter. I am the better roommate.
Oh yeah I remember when I first saw Kyler's balls. If there's anything high school swim prepared me for, it's the amount of testicles I would see here
So yeah, turns out I enjoy vaguely public group sex. Who knew?
What kind of sociopath goes to sleep at 9pm when I clearly need attention
fyi my negative pregnancy test is taped to the fridge...i'll take it over an A+ any day. be proud.
I can’t believe the first text I’m sending you from this phone was about how I just got fingered in a smart car on tin can hill
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