Trimmed my pubes and broke your paper shredder. Separate events.
she said she was gay. i said prove it. she said "ok i wont fuck you"
I forgot to tell you, the medics put you in a wheel chair. ( I kept telling you to cat daddy) oh you also gave everyone high fives for speaking English.
I just read "to infinity and beyond" as "to infidelity and beyond" something is seriously wrong with my psyche
"Little drunk?" Honey you were "livetweeting" Sublime's "Sublime" album while it was playing in his car, and at one point you said you hoped they play Santeria. "Little drunk" doesn't cover it.
All i remember his him yelling yahtzee while pouring beer down her shirt .
That moment when your whole family facetimed you just moments before you threw up all over the entire living room
My moms new boyfriend looks like Stu Pickles if he was in a biker gang. He gave me free coke though, so come party?
It's a beautiful day to be high as fuck
that awkward moment when you use blowjob jokes as a segue into coming out as bi
All you have to drink is moonshine and ranch. This is bullshit.
Magyver!
"They let me see the x-ray. My nose is broken. I saw it. It was cool. Well, I guess it would be cooler if it wasn't my nose."
she just kept straddling the railing to the stairs and shouting "come on Seabiscuit, lets win this for America."
i keep smelling vagina and donuts, which pretty much sumarises this morning. happy birthday.
He ate me out in the warehouse on a pallet of sunlight soap. I fucking love night shift!
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