They totally botched my boob job. My tits look like they're are winking.
Honey, If i waited till marriage I wouldnt know what a dick tasted like.
Fuck him tonight for the both of us. We're still tag-teaming in spirit.
high. he's playing 'oops i did it again' on the ukelele. is this real life?
hes like my own personal sex toy i use him on the weekends and then i have the option to put him away all week
Stole every fake plant from the lobby and placed it in front of you're apartment door, Enjoy!
The fairy wings and cowboy hats were not the issue. The bag of cocaine that I held in the air as we drove in the parade might have been.
I figured out why her friends always say g is for god when she leaves with someone. She wears a double g cup bra
I just ordered 30 klonopins from India that could probably be anything from Viagra to Midol. You need to find another friend to get advice from right now
I feel like cursing someone's first born child right now. Like I wanna maleficent some bitch.
why do you keep saying "she looks like a porn star" like thats a bad thing?
Also this time, I didn't have a random creepy guy come up from behind me, grab my junk, and whisper "where's the cocaine?" in my ear. So that's also a win.
You're always so late and I'm always so drunk.
She asked me if I would fuck her with my storm trooper mask on
His condition for us having sex was that I wore my show boots. #equestrianproblems
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