I'm home and safer than post-menopausal sex; you're welcome for the image. And yes, I did just use a semi-colon hammered.
I know I am usually the slut but tonight it's her. She is being a slut, yes slut, T as in Tomorrow, U as in Uterus, L as in Llama and S as in Sangria. That spells slut, but backwards and that's what she is being.
My ex came to my place while I was gone. Random things he took: snow shoes, my laundry quarters, a decorative picture, all my condiments, the container that held my rice and a sticker off my wallet. Then left a note saying he watered my plants and fed my cats. What. The. Fuck.
Yeah I don't remember why I went to the hospital though but I just called and they have my wallet
Roommate is eating a chimichanga, watching Dr Doolittle 2 and weeping. His Tuesday hangovers make me feel better about my life.
It's okay, I found my phone in the toaster oven. Logical explanation: 5 martinis
I show up hung over with mcdonalds. Why wouldn't he have sex with me? It's a fucking leap year...
That girl next to you randomly said that she fits into a queen sized pillow case
WTF.
Would you and/or him be willing to dress up like the phantom, sing me music of the night and then bone the shit out of me? this is important.
Are the transvestites working the counter tonight? Last time I was there they gave me love advice.
Goddamnit Shari. He's not called Pencil Dick because he's good a sketching...
I feel like they've probably fucked. Like.. you don't just bring a bitch a Big Mac if you haven't fucked her.
I cannot lay down. I will throw up my life and your life and the class hamster I had in third grade.
Maybe snorting K off penises isn't healthy
just saw those girls we met the other night. i happen to be wearing a bunny suit and driving your smart car. i think its safe to say thats a no go situation.
Randomize
