I may have told her we're dating for a handjob, Fake tits are overrated.
Don't you think facebook is a bit pretentious, suggesting friends and all? No facebook, I would NOT like to be friends with a girl whose fiancee I have slept with.
Right now im sitting at home and all i can think about is im eating calories and i should be out drinking them.
of all the people in our graduating class, this is exactly who would get pregnant.
I woke up to her staring at me in a corner moaning over and over again about how good the pie crust tasted
Can we ask the Hungry Howie's guy to pick up some blunt wraps on the way over?
I'm thinking about wearing a strap-on just to freak him out the next time he pulls my pants off.
Ps this homeless dude just came in hotel bar w a sword sticking out his jumpsuit trying to buy a drink w a 3rd party check
I hit a child with a fudge sickle from a moving vehicle after he flipped me off, I feel like a God. Tell no one. My partner didn't see it.
Woke up with a squirrel in my bed, how was your night?
This guy on the tube is sooooooo high. Eyes are bloodshot and he's licking his headphone cords.
That was when I yelled "Wisconsin powers activate!" and took off sprinting across the ice
Went to my bottom drawer for my stash , gone just a note says thanks sucker love dad
God help them if any millennials are in the vicinity. Rent is too high and we no longer fear death
i just realized i have only had sex on couches so far this year. i can't decide if that's impressive or trashy
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