i'm telling everyone you had sex with a puerto rican drug lord
I texted him to clear the air a bit, apologized if I freaked him out. No reply. So I'm gonna go ahead and fuck someone in a barn tonight.
So did the night end well for you?
I stole a traffic cone and drunk texted my sister because i couldn't think of any other girl to text
People kept wishing me happy birthday last night. apparently i was 21st birthday drunk
i just had to google what happens if your dog eats your nuva ring
shes a baton twirler.. i expected her to be better with her hands.
It's like trying to pry an octopus off you. Except the octopus speaks English and can get drunk.
She said my dick tasted like a junior mint. Ive decided im using this soap the rest of my life
And all I wanted you to do is stand there and sing who let the dogs out.
I just reached for my seatbelt when I sat down to pee... Might be a little hungover.
Hypothetically, if a stripper with braces bites you on the cleavage and it leaves an open wound, do you need a tetanus shot?
If those antibiotics mean you can't drink, ya might as well pack your bags and re-enroll next fall, because sobriety this week would be social suicide.
This is exactly why you shouldn't bang your bartender. Although the awkward free shots are a plus.
I'm pretty sure "good advice you would give to a freshman for achieving success" isn't constituted by introducing them to your addy dealer...
it is my civic duty to ensure the success of our youth.
You kicked me our in the middle of a blizzard with a dead phone. I had to give my watch to a pizza delivery person to take me home. You owe me a gyro too.
Randomize
