My third nipple is alarmingly under-appreciated.
I've come to realize that after waking up this morning for work no one wins in bar dice.
Dude, I had to masturbate just to stay warm. Please pay the gas bill?
Ifound a recepit for a hotel room in my sock. soo.. Ithink thats where my dog is.
I doubt were getting our security deposit back... the toilet just fell off the wall
4:37 am. You're wearing underwear and carpet skates. Borderline crying. You want to punch Morgan. Have not stopped singing Give Your Heart a Break.
It was all fun and games until he noticed the hickey that he hadn't given me...
I slept through 4/20 and my roommates bought an entire ham that's just sitting in the fridge...
I don't know. Sometimes you can be a wild card with your emotions. Mostly the emotion known as anger.
Had to snap chat three different people to ask who left the bite mark on my thigh. All three said "Wasn't me". Now I can't wear a bathing suit to my mom's pool.
These beer shits have taken over my entire life.
She said she was sorry for rolling around in her own vomit. Honestly, I thought it really added to the party.
Turns out my mom didn't really want to know I was in a new dimension last night from smoking so much.
Think i may just have managed the saddest high-five in history. Finished a sudoku and high-fived myself, then looked around for somebody to high five. there was noone. forever alone.
She's dancing around licking a fork of nutella. She is not sober.
Randomize
