im never drinking mad dog again and i have your belt.
in retrospect, sexting while high was a mistake - I meant to say "I'll fuck you stupid, baby" but of course I said "I'll fuck your stupid baby"
Please tell me you saw the asian lady with the medical mask on cutting her lawn with scissors.
When the cops knocked on the door, he just knocked back and announced "house keeping"
Came to from my blackout with native american warrior facepaint on I'm too old for this shit
The facepaint not the blacking out
Can we end it on a good note at least? Can we fuck and then never talk again?
You know summer is almost over when ur school booty calls start hitting u up as if solidifying their spot in drunken mistakes for next semester
It was awesome explaining why I had a tiger with boxers in my bed, a little bit drunk, to a girl in a pre-sex moment
I would call you but I don't feel like these hands belong to me.
we convincced her parents we were only wasted meanwhile theire faces were morphing into one and i swear there was a reindeer in the background
The slot machines are wishing me happy birthday. Mission success.
This is exactly why you shouldn't bang your bartender. Although the awkward free shots are a plus.
I need vitamin water and Jesus :/
I seriously need to grocery shop. I have a slice of cheese, and alcohol.
Can we talk about how i drunkenly changed the timezone on my phone last night and just showed up to work an hour early
Randomize
