I'm pants shitting drunk right now
Shitting during a conference call is so empowering.
We may have a problem that even dr. phil cant solve
remember.. you're not a homewrecker.. you're just creating options for him..
they lined up to high five me when i got taken out by the stretcher. The paramedic high fived them too
Get caught with marijuana. Cop takes piece. Buy new bong. Circle of fun.
Your friends turned off our power in the basement and when we went to turn it back on I got sprayed in the face with a fire extinguisher. FYI.
Men are not even allowed to look at you without a condom on.
Shouldn't have fucked on the top bunk, I bounced so high my hair got caught in the ceiling fan and almost broke my neck.
I actually had to apologize for "being too aggressive about harry potter"
Me: 10% human, 90% poor drunken life choices.
I just woke up in the closet wearing nothing but a Santa hat.
We can have bacon on the roof while tanning
Went to the party dressed like a Cougar and brought a twenty something dressed as Micheal Phelps home. So far I’m loving being divorced. :-)
Did I honestly think it was a good idea to wear my pink robe out in public at 2 in the morning ?
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