You dirty dirty liar I like the way you twitter
Crap im kindd 0f drunkk we just hooked up in a mcdonalds parking lot but i dont know why how we are here
I'm drunk in f*****g wisconsin and want to kill myself.
If it's any consolation, be grateful that you're not in New Jersey.
Yeah. I woke up naked in his bed this morning and remember saying "Get a condom cuz I can't afford an abortion right now" last night. He didn't run. He's a keeper
And im sorry for wishing your girlfriend gets genital warts.
scream really loud. we think you crawled under the deck
I don't give a shit if she's homeless, if you're gunna live outside el pollo loco and act like a bitch I'm squirting you with my water bottle
This tiny Canadian guy just tipped me $20, a piece of gum, and a joint. I wasn't working. He literally tipped me for talking to him.
On a not really funny at all but kinda brighter note I've gotten really good at texting in hand cuffs
Dude! I just figured out I can successfully hide a 4oz flask between my boobs without endangering my cleavage! College: conquered!
What's the address and code again...does anyone need anything and why is my viking helmet on the bed?
He wasn't excited for the fifty shades of grey trailer, so I told him we're done
You're seeing with your vagina, not your eyes.
I just wrote a self loathing message to self, wrapped my credit card in it, put it in an envelope, sealed it with another hate messame, and put it in my lock box. So. That's where I'm at.
Plan b and 5 hour enegery breakfast of a champion
Randomize
