Text me right after you finish, I want to know how the ghetto fleshlight worked out
How about I just call you while I'm doing it so you can hear my reaction?
This is a mass text. Does anyone know where I am?
I just let someone steal something bc they were so fucking weird and wouldn't leave me alone
i keep forgetting that not all of my female friends are bisexual.
After skinny dipping in your pond, I think me and tequila have added a whole new dynamic to our relationship.
I've now graduated to the level of gay where I can tell Tegan and Sara apart.
Does Jim keep sending you pics of him in drag too???? If so, are you also slightly uncomfortable?
When the cab driver starts laughing its a good indication of the standard of girls you are bringing home
As a plus, I've lost 5 pounds in two days, so "party all weekend" is officially a valid diet plan.
Last night was good. Things got bad when I found a sledge hammer.
I went home with him again and he LEFT HIS OWN HOUSE at 2 in the morning while I was IN THE BATHROOM.
Learn from my mistakes. DO NOT try to steam a garment of clothing while you are wearing it. The burn is not worth the de-wrinkle.
the wedding party just walked in to the song eye of the tiger. i'm getting drunk.
I’m getting reeeeaaalll tired of telling cute boys I gave them chlamydia.
That’s two in three months. You really know how to live.
He licked me while I ate pretzels and chips. I was really living my best life.
Randomize
