i had a dream last night that you and i organized a foursome. swear to god
ps i'll be in miami in early july. this text has no relation to the last one
Black out sex on the trampoline? yes please.
I mean I had a leg brace. It would have been irresponsible for me to be on top.
I stopped understanding conversations unrelated to vodka two vodkas ago.
Is your answer to that text seriously a right parenthesis
She gave me a handjob at the dinner table while her dad was carving the turkey. I made eye contact with him. Im pretty sure he knew.
We're having a serious conversation and I just responded to something he said with an emoticon. I am so baked.
I fucking love your mom. She's so drunk and fully functional. I aspire to be her one day.
dude I just found tht weird ass guy u invited last night passed out in my closet.... apparently he "couldn't find the exit"
I just masturbated and watched youtube makeup videos, which was just an extension of masturbation.
Dude. Where are you? There's a hot chick drunkenly dancing on the bar and aggressively taking shots to Pink songs. She looks like she needs a rebound. Get. Here. Now.
FUCK NYC TRAFFIC.
And then I went through the chix filet drive through for breakfast in all my republican post sex glory
I just had to explain why I ate a whole quart of mac and cheese before 8am. Not a good start to the day
Of course the sales lady was judging you, you bought a pregnancy test, ky jelly, diet pills and a 6 pack of red bull. Even i'm judging you.
You took the receipt and ate it. You then took it out and gave it to the waitress with slobber and holes all over it.
Randomize
