I think my guts just had a chinese fire drill
last night some bitch put bruce along with his entire fishbowl in her purse and tried to leave. how drunk do you have to be to steal someone's pet??
I'm so cold I just used my boobs to keep my face warm
my mom just texted me to let me know that Hooters is hiring
i wish my mom had big dreams like that for me
You have to understand, this is the first time I'm looking at a whopper sober.
I'd say I'd distract him, but I lose my psychic powers when guys get girlfriends. And by psychic powers I mean taking off my top.
sleeping in bed with your booty calls married sister...you're the stuff heroes are made of.
Bartenders are not toys. I repeat, bartenders are not toys.
well he got me up crazy early but i got pizza for breakfast and an electric blanket to sleep with sooo he passed the one night stand test.
Buying her a drink is like giving a seagull a French fry, all you're gonna do is get annoyed and shit on
You made me take a photo of you under the stairs at the bar. "Look I'm Harry Potter."
I kinda got drunk and threw my debit card into a bonfire so I don't have any money at the moment lol.
I'm doing the walk of shame into my therapists office wearing his clothes...I guess go big or go home
I feel asleep with my contacts in, with my arms wrapped around a bottle of vodka. Also... Do we have class today?
A drunk frat boy just jumped on the hood of my car while I was driving down Bridge St. He yelled at me to keep going since he was playing frogger and needed another car to jump on... or a log. I hate this town.
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