Definitely locked eyes with the stripper who gave me a lapdance last night as she walked by me and into the Ann Taylor Loft in Times Square.
we did it on the carpet and she just yells out "OH. MY PSORIASIS".
im giving 12 year olds life advice. this is probably illegal somewhere.
You promised me a handle of vodka if I took home her ugly friend. Thanks to law class I took for the 2nd time I know that's a unilateral contract asshole
the lady next to me just sniffed my hair, smiled, and then fell asleep. I almost started crying from that kind of creepiness
don't cry, we can learn from her
I taped a pair of scissors and a coupon for a waxing on the door. He gets to choose.
Mom looked at me, frowned, and said "it makes me sad to see you drink before noon.." So i told her if she doesn't like it she needs to stop waking me up before noon.
If I don't go to Australia I'm using that towards a new car. If I do I'll use it to buy a koala.
I should be a dude... Walking a goat on a rope is a total chick magnet.
When you put my balls in your mouth i just want to buy you expensive gifts...you know what i mean?
I'm scared because his knowledge of star trek is turning me on
Don't judge me 👊🏼 his dick just whispers my name
I didn't want dick. I wanted spaghetti.
i have officially smoked myself stupid. went to wally world to buy soap and toothpaste but got 4 potpies and 2 dessert pies instead. fail.
IDK if she's gay or not, but there is something about the way she looks at me that says "do dirty dirty things to me." I have no choice but to oblige.
Randomize
