How do you tell if you're on the terrorist watch list?
"Shots" has been nominated for a grammy. Now all of the US has sunken to our level...
I'm eating mac and cheese for dinner that way when I puke later it'll be festive halloween orange.
He was carrying a rolled up carpet saying he was saving it for tomorrow's Walk of Fame.
I love her to death but its like you have to do 5 lines of coke to be on her level.
Just rinsed and put my styrofoam cup of noodles in the dishwasher. I need to be not hungover ASAP
I told her I named my penis "The Spirit of Exploration." That's all it took.
Dude I'm riding a fucking tortoise this is awesome you should come with me more often
Oh dude I know. When something that's supposed stop pregnancies taste like chocolate something's up
Also, do you think i could get away with finishing my vodka cranberry from last night at work if i put orange juice in it? Serious question.
Accidentally donated half a joint to Kiwanis with the spare change from my car's ashtray. I hope those kids appreciate it.
It's Valentine's Day, I figure for sure we'll have sex today, right? Wrong. I tried unsuccessfully for like an hour to get him to fuck me. Now he's asleep and I'm on my way to join the public library.
I had to try on three different bathing suits to hide my boob hickies
p.s i need to stop drunk texting my mom. she brings up text convos all the time and i have no idea what shes talking about...
Can I just buy you sex toys as a wedding gift? Bc I’m here for that and you
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