I'm so fucking pissed that I wasted my shooting star wish on him and his little penis.
I didn't know what to do with her so I just tied her to a bench.
yeah, I said "hi, I'm the creepy old guy at the college bar" and she said that she like mature men, wasn't expecting that line to work
It's just one of those nights that , as long as you have the drugs, everything is going to be alright.
One of my friends took me out last night for a bday celebration and I just now remembered that a man blew fire balls across the bar in honor of my birthday... How drunk do you have to be to forget that?
Sorry I don't make house calls. You wanna get blown you come over here. It's like rock paper scissors but vagina ALWAYS beats penis
You invited the cop in for a "Celebrity shot"
I woke up naked except for someone else's socks. Im so proud
I put chex mix in your purse for when you get hungry while doing your walk of shame tomorrow!
The bong is packed and it's taco Tuesday come over
I agree and I would be an awesome dog
He just said Bill Nye is just a dude. If I ever considered sleeping with him, I never will now.
Are you vicariously golddigging through me?!
What did we do last night and why in the fuck were there carrots in my pocket?
Oral sex and brunch. The perfect sunday morning.
Randomize
