watching jon and kate + 8 right now is like watching my parents split up
And. No one ejaculated on anyones face. This is all wrong
I just paid a homeless man $20 for the dragon ball Z shirt he was wearing. I need to stop drinking
she told me to hold the wheel while she hung out the sunroof and cursed the old lady behind us out.
i told you that I felt like my feet were melting into the ground and you starting blowing on them to put out the "invisible fire". thanks friend.
I don't care if I just threw up. You kiss me now. This is marriage.
My cat was watching porn with me. Weirdest bonding experience ever.
She thinks Jesus was an astronaut.
you were crying saying "if you love me you will find me a loaf of bread"
What's the mantra for Sunday?
I will not have sex with him.
SOS YOU NEED TO TAKE THE CANDY PANTIES OUT OF THE GLOVE COMPARTMENT BEFORE MOM TAKES MY CAR
Fuck me first. Then we can craft and watch Terminator 2.
Just don’t be like me and break up between Christmas and NYE and then get blackout on NYE and puke in your undies.
So, I gotta figure when the nurses at the emergency room noticed my new hair cut it means I'm there too often, right?
Being single again makes you realize how guys can go from licking your asshole one night to never texting you again
Randomize
