Just remembered throwing your phone at your face in a half-drunk stupor the other morning when your alarm went off. Thought I should apologize.
i popped this huge zit on her back while she was blowing me. it was like a disgusting metaphor for what happened 30 seconds later.
You are like a prophet. It's amazing how many people you convince to be lesbians.
Only your wife would write 'for deposit only' on the back of that $1500 check knowing full and well our capabilities of spending it on strippers and booze
eating kraft dinner with my face. no forks.
your friend did not want a bj. we need to leave. this is very awkward.
You did that scary laugh you always do when you're blacking out except she's never heard it before and though you were choking and screamed at all of us when we didn't call an ambulance
please come upstairs a drunk asian is lying down n the middle of my room and i don't know him
It's sitting in bleach right now. You will be the creepiest coolest dude in my book if you made a bracelet from my tooth.
Then he rubbed shampoo all over my arm and shouted, "Garnier FUCK THIS."
At tuba camp, the pickings are slim. It's like being the tallest midget.
im buying my prof a giftcard to the state store bc he talked ab crying into a glass of tequila so he deserves it
We ate sushi in a hospital bed, then fucked in a bathroom while I wore a gown. Pretty sure she's the one
You told your boyfriend he needed to fuck you in the tree because it would make you guys one with nature.
Did he?
Like people our age are getting engaged, and I’m out here spooning with a giant unicorn I bought at Walmart on Black Friday.
Randomize
