We walked through the hotel lobby in slow-mo taking huge steps because we were astronauts, and astronauts obviously can't be drunk.
Seriously, let me lead the intervention, my parents did like three with me. I know how it works.
just served this dwarf dude an entire pitcher of malt liquor. watching this will totally be worth my bartender's certification.
He is now tagging himself in my pics from last year where he is barely visable in the corner. i feel like he's marking his territory.
My little brother just suggested we drink the rest of the vodka because it's raining. My job is complete.
Europe's "the final countdown" was playing. It was pretty much amnesty for anything that might happen the rest of the night. It's a rule.
I will seriously deflate and melt into the floor into a puddle of devestation, shame and vodka.
He pulled a condom out of his satchel and i questioned my entire life.
Saxophones in my mind. I swear someone dosed me.
Was so close to hoppin on it but then I realize it's not a dick and I needed to keep walking. Primal instincts.
Official reason: I couldn't get time off. The real reason: last Xmas nearly ended in alcohol poisoning to prevent me from screaming like a velociraptor
So here's a tip: don't give a blowjob the same morning you're going to the dentist. Cuz they will think you have "mouth trauma."
My mom wants to name our new dog the same name as my fuck buddy. This will be weird
That moment when you sit down to shit and someone is watching porn on the other side of the wall.
It's the Ides of March, motherfucker. That means we're supposed to daydrink, right?
Randomize
