I've rolled joints bigger than that penis.
hey, do you know how many packets of jello it takes to turn a handle of vodka into slutty girls?
You blacked out and walked in on my neighbor breast feeding at 3am yelling "where is my best friend". I think we should go apologize.
Ive decided I'm sending thank you notes to all the bars for graduation.
I think I ruined his life by managing to get his initiation nickname for his frat to be "Whiskey Dick" but I still wish herpes on him and his fugly new girlfriend.
I love birth control. How's that for a Facebook status on valentines day.
Man, I want to make his penis a sandwich.
Just made a floating bacon boat for the hot tub. This is what America is all about.
Well get back to your date and give him the ceremonial 1am handy and text me when your done.
Just got to Evans to buy weed. His mom showed up unannounced. Now the three of us are chillen. Super.
driving home hungover today was like a life test..it was like the goblet of fire
Well, I guess my plans of staying around the apartment and drinking my weight in boxed wine are ruined. I have a date tonight.
MUFFINS DON'T MAKE YOU ORGASM MULTIPLE TIMES OR HAVE ROCK HARD MUSCLES.
we found her. shes in the bathtub full of raw pasta. i dont even know...
I wanted to make my beer stronger so I poured vodka in it. Why god....why
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