Picking up third year law school girls is like MILF hunting for beginners
Pretty sure I tied my shoes laces together to keep myself from driving drunk. Fell like six times. Keep forgetting
Its like every time I go out with you, it always involves Serbian chicks and taco bell and you always manage to get both all over my bed.
You just want to fuck a girl in a dinosaur costume, don't you?
I have a scary feeling my mom might switch her goals from finding me a husband in 2012 to sending me to rehab
This will never work out with him unless I somehow learn how to unhinge my jaw like a python.
She's comparing the feel of breasts to shredded cabbage. Weirdest. Grandmother. Ever.
I found them. Thank God. Now I'm gonna have to take a Xanax for the panic attack I almost had trying to find my Xanax.
I just finished a four mile round trip walk to CVS to buy shaving cream and lube. You're welcome.
you were holding her above your head singing Circle of Life in what i assume was a Simba reference. then she smacked her head on a bar light and the bouncers kicked you out
An old white couple caught us smoking the foot long. THE LOOK ON THEIR FACES.
TURNS OUT they were both cheating. Like the Gift of the Magi except for shitty people
She was sitting on the couch in his tux jacket...no pants, eating cold vegetable lasagna. Yet I'm the weirdo?
When creating your wedding guest list do you put the girl you & your fiance had a threesome with under your friends or his friends?
he went down on me and a few minutes later he asked to show me a magic trick. then he pulled a quarter out of my vagina
Randomize
