Moan for me like Helen Keller
He's been dead since March and more people write on his wall than mine.
I am actually insulted by the long string of ugly, fat girls he hooked up with after me.
Remember that time we became friends because I shotgunned a Tall Boy in your bathroom?
Those memories are both hazy and awesome.
The only responsible thing ive done in vegas is shower and that was onky to clean vomit off me
He sent me a recycled dick pic! He could at least use one without sunlight in it, considering it's 10pm
As my straight cousin I need you to answer a question. Are the Astros a baseball team, and if so, are they good? This is flirting related and time-sensitive.
I partied with a deaf mute last night. strangely enough the more drunk I get the easier it is to understand him.
Found the cure to anxiety attacks.
An orgasm
Just a suggestion, don't apricot scrub your vagina.
Look I'm really high right now, and if I were to leave this house, it would be for the sole purpose of getting an ice cream sandwich. So can you please just do it.
I woke up in the bathtub with money shoved down my pants. I must've done something right.
But on a side note, how the fuck do you "accidentally " get peed on
My debit card was between my ass cheeks when i woke up. i vaguely remember putting it there for safe keeping
i told him the only way i'd fuck him was if he saved me during the zombie apocolypse and took me to a tastefully decorated yet impenetrable hideout.
Randomize
