Dude, I just rear-ended a cab
Are you drunk?
A little...yes
Run!
Terrible brother advice.
Third unemployed latin in my bed this week. I'm on a roll
you were so high you spent the rest of the night smelling pepper to prove you can sneeze with your eyes open
Disney World has no open container laws. Ohmygod this place is even cooler than it was when I was ten.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
you're wrong. we DID have sex last night. just ask your roommate. you seriously don't remember him asking to join us?
I realize now that I left my pants on that table in the downstairs bathroom at you house on Tuesday....
Welp. I just hopped out of his window to avoid meeting his parents... happy monday!
Why is there a water bottle full of red wine on my desk this morning?
See you tonight.
It's all fun and games until some random starts jerking it on the deck.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
look on the scale of 1 to the time you hit an old lady with your car chlamydia barely even rates
ever since I turned 21 the mother-daughter bonding sessions always end with whiskey and my little pony. I don't know why, it's just a thing that happens
Remind me to talk to you about nipple clamps.
There is a goat eating lettuce out of our fridge. Do you wanna grab a bloody mary?
Also, you fell asleep with you hand on and around my cock last night.
Makes hanging out interesting when she lights you on fire just to roll ontop of you to 'put you out'.
Randomize