actually, I'm a sock model
when i say i joined a midget dating site why do u assume i was drunk
He's coming over tonight...I really wish I didn't have my period right now...
I believe I'm witnessing the first time ever that you wished your period would NOT come....
They thought we spoke German and French even though we just kept repeating "I give to you a cat" and "Are you drunk?"
PS- I just stirred my mimosa with a slice of bacon
Im in mikes bed telling my vagina I'm sorry in advance.
Last thing I remember clearly was, "ok, but if we're are gonna get drunk before class, there's no half-doing this"
I had a girl last night tell me that she was happy to find a condom wrapper in my garbage because,and I quote, "well at least you're not raw dogging every slore that crosses your path"
HEY. That drawer full of booze in my dorm room also has aspirin and Tums in it. So don't tell me I don't care about health.
He saved you from those guys at the club, took you home, and made you breakfast. If this isn't your come to Jesus moment IDK what is.
I'm straight up riding in the back of my truck in a bean bag chair right now. Feet propped up and four loko in hand. Glorious.
We were going to play manhunt in a strip club, calling it mancunt.
I thought I was really making her scream. Turns out she had a Lego jammed in her lower back.
You peed in the sink and kept shouting "I'm the black swan! Ca-caw!"
Shes yelled my World of Warcraft name when we were having sex, I think marriage is next.
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