im on my way to getting "i just graduated college with no money, no job, and no plan" drunk
normally i'm against accepting campers on facebook but this one saw me giving head to another counselor and didn't say shit about it to my boss so i feel like shes earned the right to look at my sloppy drunk pictures
when you get a chance can you look up 'free abortion clinic' for me? cuz i dont think i'll be lucky enough for a second miscarriage.
he used his one phone call on me and it said "you have a collect call from- LETS GET IT- at the montgomery county jail".
I don't even want to think what you did to boys being that drunk and horny.
Then I wouldn't suggest looking at the pictures from last night.
thought i was the most hungover person in class until i saw a kid puke into his bookbag...he wins
Just got a message from a guy on a dating site who says he helped me remove lime pulp from my eye in a club toilet 2 weeks ago.
Not sure if he was actually hot or hot in a "he brought a live chicken to the party" kinda way but I got his # regardless
Its 10:23 on a monday morning and im craving jello shots, this is a problem
I just handed a girl a slice of pizza and she handed me her number. Is this how Vegas hookups normally begin?
My previously white toilet seat is now hot pink. I'm not sure why or how but I know it's your fault.
Idk man, we spent like 20 mins arguing about the moral ambiguity of fucking in someone else's car
I'm pretty sure that the bartender arranged a marriage for me last night. Sounds like a legit birthday present to me.
I mean, I'm shallow, narcissistic, and selfish, but I'm an amazing friend sometimes
Why did you buy a cock ring?
I’m going to propose to his penis
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