First thing I heard on the radio when I got in the car: "humans and dinosaurs used to live happily together"... I need to stop listening to Christian radio...
currently walking past a fire hyrdrant with a hose already attatched.. this could be dangerous..
my dentist asked me why my tooth was chipped, i told him i couldn't remember. i think he understands.
She told me I had to leave by four. We fucked until six thirty and we are the champions played on the way home. Yeah god knew
I love my roommate; her alcohol problem, her proclivity for passing out on the living room couch, and her fucking awesome size d tits that can never remain clothed. Craigslist jackpot.
There's always one sober annoying person at a party. I hate responsible people. I just wanted to show everyone my nipples. There cute. She didn't have to stop me
You want to complain about your sex life to me? Right now mine consists of trying to masturbate lightly enough not to wake her up with bed shakes. Go. Fuck. Yourself.
mhmm. we know where to go, which places have free bathrooms, how long you can be in one until its sketchy, we have this down to a science. we're like the college sophomore pregaming dream team
It was bitter sweet because I woke him up with sex but then I peed in his bed with him in it
You having your own car has severely reduced the amount of blowjobs I get.
Reason # 294827284949272 i could never be a cop. I would just shoot. All the time. Ppl. Animals. Inanimate objects. Air.
well at least you didn't have your nipples chewed last night
We found you walking up the on ramp to the highway carrying a 40 mph speed limit sign with no shoes on. Rough night?
Currently standing at the bus stop in just a pillowcase and its fucking snowing
i have officially smoked myself stupid. went to wally world to buy soap and toothpaste but got 4 potpies and 2 dessert pies instead. fail.
Randomize
