Laziness has reached now heights if you too unmotivated to buy pot
shes got a 6th sense for me cheating...the the hailey joel osmound of me getting bjs
I've started bribing my dorm's security guard with cookies so that he doesn't tell all the boys i'm hooking up with about each other.
Until you wake up with a Hustler club stripper in the next room whose nipple you were coerced to lick at Snake & Jake's after breaking up a fight between an Indian and a Filipino, I don't wanna hear about your weird.
I'm going to get like 25 drinks at their wedding and just leave them sitting around or give them to hobos.
Every man needs a table where they can sit and reflect on the successful penile conquests of the day.
I had an epiphany. If a dude dressed up as Batman to ask me out, I'd prolly marry him.
what's the least obnoxious place that i could barf on the bus?
By the way, anytime you want to go toe to toe on Doggystyle lyrics just let me know!
Who is this? Did we just become best friends?!
you should never start the day with a boob text. It can only go downhill from there
I'm sitting in the shotgun seat of my car on full recline trying to pretend everything is ok
It feels so wrong having a picture of my tits next to a picture of my daughter.
In Texas. Drank way too much wine. Puked in a gallon zip lock bag. Passed out at 445 with the ENTIRE family here. Got up at 745 in time for dinner. I made you proud!!!
I woke up with my phone plugged into an extension cord in my garage. No clue how I got home. Videos of me flogging my roommate with my set of keys telling him he's the worst roommate ever. And my mom woke me up at 8am asking how to make a DVD...Goddamnit first Friday.
What does it mean when the bartender gives you 4 straws?
Randomize
