I wannas sexs uuuuu
i don't think my family understands the severity of a twenty first birthday.
he tried to make a toast, but hit the moving ceiling fan with his beer instead
just looked in the mirror, I fell asleep with a face mask on. At least drunk me cares that much about the condition of my skin
Heating the house with the oven may not be safe but at least it's always preheated
How do I know I'm high? Let me count the ways.
1. I put the milk in the cupboard, 2. Everything tastes fucking amazing, 3. My dog is really soft, 4. The lunesta butterfly flew out of my tv and touched me
Singing high school musical songs with an old Russian woman I met on the bus. What are you doing?
He was running late for work this morning, so I helped him out by finding a matching pair of black socks. And I hated it. So I'm currently drinking and reminding myself of the reasons I will never get married.
I just laughed at the word pudding. I have no idea whats going on right now.
She pulled up to the bar in a limo, wasted, and alone. Gets out, shrugs and slurs "I couldn't find a cab" and proceeds to take a shot.
I'm in love.
if i ever wake up in the morning and don't feel a boner in my asscrack then this relationship is over
It was all good till you had ppl chasin shots of ciroc with fucking applesauce
You rolled onto your side and told me 'this is the recovery position'. That was after you were stoned. You've done this way too much.
He is a sex God. It lasted more than an hour, and I don't remember how many times I came. I lost count at 57.
He's so drunk that he's ignoring me and just doing what my cat does.
Oh god he's trying to eat cat food... I don't know if I should stop him or continue laughing....
Randomize
