I'm sorry for everything. i woke up with two citations stapled to my shirt.
Funniest shit happened at the grocery store. This kid kept asking his mom for candy over and over and she told him 'daddy said no' and he screamed 'he isn't my dad' so loud everyone in the store was silent it was awesome.
Found a left over fake Olympic medal from our party last weekend. Awarded it to a random girl in the bar last night. Its the only thing she was wearing this morning when she woke up at my place.
I just discovered the Reese's pieces and sourdough bread sandwich. No signs of coming down.
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when I was too drunk to walk on my own two feet, he stole a shopping cart from the grocery store at the corner and proceeded to wheel me back to my apartment.
Then he tucked me in, gave me a goodnight kiss and slept on my sofa. I woke up this morning and he was making waffles.
he is a god among men.
I want to get my vag crammed with complete loss of every bit of dignity I have left by this man from every angle on every flat surface that exists. That is all.
It's an open bar. I'm gonna be gone when you get here.
Text me the address now before you're too drunk to text English.
I seriously had alll four of your knuckles bruised into my arm
Overheard-"sex" and "giblet gravy" in the same sentence. Best thanksgiving ever.
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She was doing hand motions and used straws from drinks like those airport light batons to have me back my "747 jumbo dick" towards you.
Only you could go on vacation to visit family and hook up with a pro NFL player from Tinder
You tried to ride his dick and fell off. Then tried to ride the floor. That's why he hasn't called back
I'm just glad I met someone who probably won't punch you in the face
She rode me like a jockey on that tiny couch. Then we spooned.
I know... It's stupid... It's like, I have sex with his brother and bestfriend ONE time....
Randomize