It felt like his penis had an endoskeleton.
He told me to pretend to be a shark, and he would slay me with his harpoon cock.
Not gonna lie i was comfortable between the allsups air conditioners while you were talking to the cop.
My drug dealer just texted me that his kid had a rough sleep and was running late to deliver the ounce to my office. Totes adorbs.
Confidence is key. All I had to tell him is I'm drinking a bottle of wine and eating chocolate today to celebrate that I love myself. That's how you get a Valentine, my friend.
Getting high magically turns headaches into rainbows.
New Halloween costume idea: Frankenstorm. We have three hours. Make it work.
I would like you to know I am eating your apology chocolate, which means i forgive you for puking everywhere before formal
Just took a shower for the sole purpose of getting off without using my hands... I've reached a new level of summer-lazy.
There. Isnt. A. Single. Person. Who. Is. Not. High. At. Church.
my roommate would be appalled if she knew how many times i've peed in the kitchen sink
I woke up to him crying and pouring pixy stix in my mouth saying they would bring me back to life.
Dude, Kevin called the cops on the cops.
I don't remember anything beyond the drinking game but I woke up in my own pee this morning so I'm just gonna go out on a limb and say I overdid it.
you have 10 seconds to explain why the toilet is full of bread or its ALL GOING ON YOUR BED.
Randomize
