I'm on that like soy sauce on rice
now everythime i write "i'm" in my phone my tap9 spells out "i'm-never-drinking-again". It's trying to remind me
Please tell me how I woke up out in the middle of nowhere wearing nothing but a hard hat and a man thong?
Today I made a list of everyone I have had sex with...there is more than double my age...
I haven't even gone in yet. I'm sitting in the waiting room playing a game i like to call "Who else is here for AA".
Instead of politely asking me to shave, he passive-aggressively left me a groupon for a bikini wax. So I passive-aggresively fucked his roommate. And his roommate didn't mind my bush when he went down on me. Anyway, do you want the groupon or not?
The goal for tonight is vagina. In and around. Doesn't matter who. How. Or why.
Come over so we can have two person sex in this one person tent
If you are breathing, I want you at your house. No non-breathing-related excuses.
dude...i punched my best friend in the face, broke up with my girlfriend, and shit my pants.......now i don't know which one to take care of first.
It's important to establish I slept with her BEFORE we officially became cousins-in-law.
tell your brother to quit sending me his dick pics what am i going to do with them print them out and shove them up my ass???
He called me dainty, then fucked me like the Viking God he is.
We got stoned and took selfies with the most perfect lawn
The wine is franzia the food is cheese puffs there is a canoe full of beer and the andre glasses are mason jars glued to candle sticks. i shit you not. Best. Wedding. Ever.
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