I fucked a guy named chris tucker last night
I may have told her we're dating for a handjob, Fake tits are overrated.
barbara walters just said penis...
I cannot believe you needed a note to remind yourself to ask me about the fourteen sleeping Mexicans.
I am like king midas for the gay community. everything I touch turns into a lesbian.
someone just laughed at me while i'm laying on the floor waiting for the bus. like they've never been hungover.
Some girl, somewhere, is going to wake up with my face paint on her vagina
YOU ARE OBSESSED WITH PORCHES. I AM OBSESSED WITH PORCHES. HOW IS THIS REAL.
DOWN HORMONES. BACK.
I'm sorry for the texts and anything that I said that may have caused confusion, pain or irritation. I shall not be drinking again. Furthermore I will not be keeping a phone on me should I fail to adhere to the prior statement.
I mean like if I stood up my head might pull me down like an anchor
The Universe is CLEARLY playing a bad joke on your sex life
He literally said I should watch game of thrones while I was blowing him like is this the conversation you want to be having right now
As we were leaving a memorial service last night he turns to me and says, is it too soon for a post funeral blowie?
Please wake up and help me figure out how I woke up on the floor with my head under the couch
Randomize
