Either these are mashed potatoes in my pants, or I was drunker than I thought.
He asked if I wanted to blow his flute? Please call me and pretend there is a family emergency!!!
My foreign exchange student got here today. I turned on man vs. food and told her that "this is all you need to know about America."
My Adderall prescription says to take my recommended dose and throw away any leftover pills. Why don't more prescriptions come with jokes like this?
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
officially spring now- first drug bust of the season across the street.
You don't understand how difficult it is to give head with cotton mouth
there's just a random girl here singing about how much she loves fiber
in respone to your voicemail you left me on saturday, yes i had gone to bed and no i was not still drinking at 5am
I have invented a new sport: freshman-watching. I'm sitting on our porch literally dying watching the freshmen run around trying to find parties
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
i just want to be sober by dinner like is that too much to ask
I just smoked a bowl alone and took my Zyrtec here's to a full night.
Thanks for listening. You're the first guy I've ever worked with who I didn't want to fuck.
His name was Dragon. For real. How do you not sleep with a Dragon? Don't judge me.
I'm laying backwards. On the stairs. Eating carrots. And drinking from a captain Morgan bottle.
Why did I wake up with a skeleton in my bed? Is it from the lab?
Oh crap, that's where it ended up. Yeah, don't ask.
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