You Definitely drank the goldfish bowl like it was a giant margarita
I've been reduced to Capt. Morgan and Golden Girls reruns. Ugh.
i told my doctor i had 3 partners and one unprotected.. shes a cute little indian lady i couldnt break her heart
Ordered my mom Mother's Day flowers online and moved on to internet porn. Do you think this is some sort of Freudian slip?
Im so tired of dysfunctional exs fucking up my relationships with future dysfunctional exs
No, i will not have sex with him again. It felt like he was trying to bulldoze his way through me. My vagina is on strike.
Where the hell did all of these gingers come from? It's like they crawled out of their shame-caves for st Patrick's day.
The last text I sent him was about nachos. Frankly, if he can't respond positively to that he can fuck off...
It's like you're the one guy who got the "girls have clits" memo.
Fulfilled a bucket list goal last night. Borrowed a dollar from a stripper to buy smokes
God bless Atlanta.
I made out with about ten people last night. And four of them were just on the way to my car from the bar. And one was my roommate.
And as drunk as I was I was able to show my mom how to make text italicized in Microsoft word
Life should not be this hard with a dick this big.
I wish there was a tumbleweed emoji. Because that would describe my vagina.
i could have got laid, but instead, i threw up in her hair. you can cross that off the bucket list.
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