seriously iPhone. stop autocorrecting all my fucks into ducks. you're making all my strong worded texts look harmless and adorable.
what's for breakfast?
Advil and throwup
I might have been fine if i had magic teleportation powers and could have skipped the car ride between bar and home
I passed out drunk and Jane had created a picnic on my chest. I had chips and a hamburger laid out on my boobs. The only reason I woke up is she was trying to feed me too.
i'll probably be on drugs forewarning
forewarning i'll probably have done those drugs with you
He didn't get laid that weekend.. and that is honestly an accomplishment for the rest of us.
Side note, from now on any snap chat I get that isn't interesting enough... Is getting a dick in response. Judge your snaps accordingly
Sometimes I think about the fact that I lost my virginity while watching anime and I wonder what that says about me
I rammed pretzels and Jell-O shots down the throats of those I loved.
I'm all set for mothers day, I let her beat me in beer pong.
She ordered an O'douls. That was the end of that date
I know this sounds fake but she's deep frying a bar of soap right now
Come fucking get her
Black labs can get you to do pretty much anything...even approach strange men in their bath robes
After we had sex he went to the kitchen, came back with a bag of funyuns and ate them buck ass naked in his bedroom doorway. Had no idea how to react to that one.
she just kept straddling the railing to the stairs and shouting "come on Seabiscuit, lets win this for America."
Randomize
