I just tried to unlock my house with the car remote
she burped and cried multiple times. it was like i was getting head from a baby.
Just made a pepperoni sandwich with cheese, mayo, and pickles. Poverty is like pot, without the happy feeling.
"I could never have "feelings" for someone who, at one point, wanted to "hate fuck" my face."
My dealer threw in a "freestyle rap" today with my purchase. I dont know if I can handle this relationship.
How do I know I'm high? Let me count the ways.
1. I put the milk in the cupboard, 2. Everything tastes fucking amazing, 3. My dog is really soft, 4. The lunesta butterfly flew out of my tv and touched me
Turns out I was the only one drinking. I broke one guy's bed and kicked another in the face. Then when an RA came by I shouted to let him in he's gonna find the vodka anyway. Great night
true friends will drive 3 hours to come smoke a couple blunts with you on the bridge where your car broke down
Last time we had an ultimatum like that, things went very far south. I'm down, but it's your turn to wake up in a hospital.
Wait I'm all alone with a guy and his turtle
Smoking a bowl in nothing but a flamingo thong.
Definitely just threw up in a mcds cup going through Wendy's drive thru. I'm way to hungover to go to work today
EW HE LOOKS LIKE SOMEONE'S DAD
Goal: finish my bio assignment before the Xanax kicks in.
Took my nervous poop earlier then expected it's gonna be a good day
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