Come with me and I'll find you a girl. What's your type?
Vagina
It's hipsters with their motorcycle cop mustaches, moccasins, douchey irony, and department stores to supply their independent conformity
Something's gotta give!
Dude, I found out the hard way that she wipes back to front. I ate her out and had to throw up.
woke up with a used condom shoved in my ear. i officially hate alcohol.
We are the drunkest people in Toys R' Us right now
Just ate applesauce I laced with percocets for dinner. I'm pretty sure my grandmother does the same thing.
buying new sheets for when my mom visits. I can't in good conscious let her use the ones from last night
Dude she let me install handle bars on her headboard. I should have nailed my boss years ago.
Let's just not urinate on things that don't need to be urinated on
Even worse we were making a sex tape so our reaction to the condom breaking was recorded.
Sex on the scooter in the parking lot wasn't the smartest idea. Actual quote from the cop as he handed me the ticket and fist bumped me.
Yay! Also. When you're coming down eat waffles and touch yourself. You won't regret it.
Sooo a reasonable response to someone eating my lunch is to set the place on fire right?
I'm really sorry I hooked up with your student on the dance floor..
DO NOT FUCK YOUR ENGAGED GAY NEIGHBOR!
Randomize
