Last night my friend tried to make out with me in an olive garden. Ahahah
Nothing says 'I love you' like never ending salad and breadsticks
When I'm drunk and can't pee, I sing my abc's in my head and try to pee before I get to pee. Last night I forgot to do it in my head
I decided that not getting a job after college is gods way of telling me I will make a great housewife
dude 8 am is too early to start pregaming for new years eve
clearly you are not from wisconsin
How could you give up sex for lent? I gave up religion for lent years ago and never looked back. Or give up civility, not sex.
I kind of feel like BP. I'm dressed in green and absolutely horrible for the environment.
Im laying on the couch wishing someone was here to pour wine in my mouth. I need an alcohol IV
It was only in the sobering silence of the wilderness on the mountain, after I was too tired to talk anymore and I also didn't want to tell Julian that we were lost, that I realized how super tripped out I had been the entire time...
I think we need to stage a munchie intervention for Ben. I just watched him use a tortilla as a potholder to dump water out of his ramen.
It's 3 am and I'm buying cat food and batteries for my vibrator. Good thing I shaved my legs for this.
Also, if asking a guy to come over and watch curling with you doesn't scream let's fuck then idk what does
Got a snapchat from Megan last night showing you sobbing about a burrito on the floor with Dan in the background trying not to laugh his ass off
I think I've been inadvertently participating in a contest to see how many times I can show up to work hungover in my first year of teaching. And I'm the only participant. Not sure if I'm winning or losing.
On another note I never thought having a drug addicted stalker would prove useful
His penis is average but his stamina is amazing!!! I didn’t know I had that many orgasms in my body!!!!
Randomize
